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I don’t want to write what I am about to write. Although God has been telling me to deal with this for months, I have been resisting doing so. It hurts to think about it. The fact is…I miss my Mom. I don’t mean oh, I miss her in a nonchalant way. I mean, I REALLY miss her. The pain of her passing has become real. We finally buried her ashes this past Friday and I didn’t realize that it would be like a freight train of emotions hitting me. I am numb, sad, and angry. I am angry with God. I don’t believe that God took my Mom away from me. I don’t believe that God gave my mother cancer to teach me a lesson. I know God’s character and those don’t line up. I am angry with God because He is letting me feel the emotions of my loss. God answered every prayer I had for the past four years. Somehow I thought that meant I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of loss and somehow I would be spared from the aching in my heart. Every day I wake up thinking that somehow the past six years were all a dream. I want to go back to a time before my Mom was ever diagnosed. I don’t want this to be part of my story. I hate that people keep asking me how I am doing, and in reality they are asking me how am I coping with losing my Mom. The honest answer: It sucks!!!!!!! One minute I am crying and the next I am ok. Then maybe an hour later I am filled with anger. The word says God is our comforter. Honestly I am not sure where God is right now. I feel lost. I lost my best friend and my biggest supporter. My mom and I always had ups and downs and there were a lot more downs in our relationship than ups. I have felt guilty that I wasted so many of my years taking drugs and drinking instead of valuing what is important. It took God’s intervention for me to wake up and see what was going on. I am grateful He gave me four sober years with my Mom, but at the same time I am kicking myself that I have very few memories of my Mom without cancer. For the past year I have been meditating on the scripture, “There is no guilt and condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If you have talked to me at all, I can guarantee I have preached it. I realized the other day that I have no problem believing that for others but for myself…well that’s a different story. I still think that there is something that I could have done. Somehow maybe if I were perfect I wouldn’t have to feel this emptiness, this pain. I am so familiar with pain and darkness, but this, this is different. I have never felt anything like this and I question where is God right now. Why is He letting me feel this? I wish I could give some uplifting speech right now. I wish that you could walk away filled with hope. However, I don’t have anything left. I am so broken inside that I am going to ask if you could pray for me. God knows I need it.
My mom and I in Hawaii 2010.
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So, so, proud of you for writing this! <3
I ♥ you!
Brave, obedient, beautiful Sarah…God is WITH you and IN you…I know this because you wrote this and you couldn’t have done so without him. Even now, as you wonder where and how and when and if, he is there…and my prayer is that he would reveal himself to you in new, unexpected and amazing ways in these moments when you need it most. I love you girl!
This is beautiful in more than just one way. <3
Sarah,
i truely feel for you and I see the honesty in your words. this is real and there is nothing easy about losing someone who you love and made an impact on your life. talk to god he is there for you. you will be in my prayers, much love girl <3.
I love your heart Sarah, I’ll be keeping you in my prayers for real. <3
reading this made me cry…I have watched you walk through this whole situation with strength and dignity and now I am praying that God will bring you comfort as only He can! <3
I want to hug you right now sarah!! Praying for you.
I love that you wrote this. All of what I feel are now in words except, I was very angry at God for having taken away my Mom, not because He was having me feel the grief I felt. I lost my Mom 5yrs ago to Lupus, she was only 53yrs old. She died the very same day my husband left on a 6mo. deployment. I felt beyond angry but held myself together for my Dad and Brother. After we spread her ashes in the oceans of O’ahu, I slowly broke down, just me and drinking. When I finally hit rock bottom, I started to heal. I’m not where I want to be just yet, but I’m glad I’m not where I was. We will pray for eachother, deal?
<3
Love you girl.
I will pray for you. I lost my mom 3 years ago and I also feel lost and I am angry with God as well. I feel cheated out of a mom and my children out of their Bah Bah (Grandma). I treasure every memory I have and hold onto it tight but, I would anything to have my mom back and cancer free. So my thoughts, prayers, and all are coming your way.
My heart goes out to you Sarah! I went through a similar loss about 10 years ago when I lost my sister, and had many regrets. The pain never goes away, though it does lessen as the years pass. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you to open up and share your raw pain and open wounds, but we’re all with you, thinking of you and praying for healing for you. If you ever need to talk, just drop me a line.
hugs & prayers <3.
Sarah Rachel, I love you and I only met you once. Your open honest heart is such a blessing to anyone that meets you. You are in my prayers. God’s peace I pray for you. (((hugs)))
Sarah, I am lifting you up in prayer, my friend!
double hug
Thank you so much Kacey! Love you to!
Thank you Lisa!
Thank you for always pushing me!
Thank you Brittany!
Thank you Nicole and Samara!
Deal, I will be praying for you!
Thank you Jennifer! I understand feeling cheated, I try not to but I do. Praying for you also!
Love you to Karen!
Thank you Gabrielle!
Thank you @[548739655:2048:Chelsea]!
<3
Thank you Jolene!!!
Thank you so much Kelly!!! I love you to, I still think about our conversation in Vegas, I wish we lived closer!!!
Sarah Rachel me too