I don’t want to write what I am about to write. Although God has been telling me to deal with this for months, I have been resisting doing so. It hurts to think about it. The fact is…I miss my Mom. I don’t mean oh, I miss her in a nonchalant way. I mean, I REALLY miss her. The pain of her passing has become real. We finally buried her ashes this past Friday and I didn’t realize that it would be like a freight train of emotions hitting me. I am numb, sad, and angry. I am angry with God. I don’t believe that God took my Mom away from me. I don’t believe that God gave my mother cancer to teach me a lesson. I know God’s character and those don’t line up. I am angry with God because He is letting me feel the emotions of my loss. God answered every prayer I had for the past four years. Somehow I thought that meant I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of loss and somehow I would be spared from the aching in my heart. Every day I wake up thinking that somehow the past six years were all a dream. I want to go back to a time before my Mom was ever diagnosed. I don’t want this to be part of my story. I hate that people keep asking me how I am doing, and in reality they are asking me how am I coping with losing my Mom. The honest answer: It sucks!!!!!!! One minute I am crying and the next I am ok. Then maybe an hour later I am filled with anger. The word says God is our comforter. Honestly I am not sure where God is right now. I feel lost. I lost my best friend and my biggest supporter. My mom and I always had ups and downs and there were a lot more downs in our relationship than ups. I have felt guilty that I wasted so many of my years taking drugs and drinking instead of valuing what is important. It took God’s intervention for me to wake up and see what was going on. I am grateful He gave me four sober years with my Mom, but at the same time I am kicking myself that I have very few memories of my Mom without cancer. For the past year I have been meditating on the scripture, “There is no guilt and condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If you have talked to me at all, I can guarantee I have preached it. I realized the other day that I have no problem believing that for others but for myself…well that’s a different story. I still think that there is something that I could have done. Somehow maybe if I were perfect I wouldn’t have to feel this emptiness, this pain. I am so familiar with pain and darkness, but this, this is different. I have never felt anything like this and I question where is God right now. Why is He letting me feel this? I wish I could give some uplifting speech right now. I wish that you could walk away filled with hope. However, I don’t have anything left. I am so broken inside that I am going to ask if you could pray for me. God knows I need it.
My mom and I in Hawaii 2010.
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