I had an impulse tonight. An impulse to look back and read about where I was. Hopeless. Discouraged. Ready to quit and begging my husband to let me.
Fall. 2010. Our children were 3 & 5 and we had just finished shooting 17 weddings in 12 weeks. We missed their childhood that summer. We missed the laughs, the sprinkler wars, the bee stings. Good, bad, lazy summer days. We missed them. And we will never get them back. I sat in my room and created my own niagara falls. Not that Oregon needed anymore rain, but I provided some anyway.
Regret. The worst of all human emotion.
Because it’s inward… it’s YOU.
It’s not dealing with what someone else did or said, or what happened on the outside…. it’s you. It’s all you. And it’s a big filthy black hole that can beckon you into the company of despair… hopelessness and depression.
That’s where I was. As the leaves were turning beautiful hues of gold, red and orange I couldn’t see it. It was all dark.
I. Me. Karen. I had created a world for myself in which all I wanted was escape. This business… this… Gift? It wasn’t a blessing at all. It started out that way, but now? Now it has taken all of my life away from me. It had left me empty, exhausted and missing out on the greatest joys I’ve ever know. My children.
It seemed like forever I wallowed there. My mind spun with attacks on my business, my mothering and my character. But they weren’t coming from anyone else. They were coming from me. My own fears of failure had come full circle and now I was experiencing them. Not as a business owner… but as a Mom.
Deeply broken I cried out for anyone to hear me… for anyone to SEE me. Did anyone understand what I was going through?
“I CAN’T DO IT!!!!” I remember screaming……. and then the tears………. “I just…. can’t…. take it anymore.”
And then I heard Him…. “But what if…. I can? Through you.”
“But God… PLEASE take it away….. make it stop… let it all go back to normal!” I cried….( no really… I was bawling and this conversation actually happened)
I felt as though I was crawling up into my Daddy’s lap.. broken… messed up… failure of a child… with no where left to run…. “Stay by My side… you can do this.” He whispered to me. ”You were meant for this… and so much more.”
Shortly after that day I wrote this post…. and I wanted to share it with you…
It is my hope that we ALL become David’s. That we ALL leave a story worth telling. That we all reach the mark that God designed for us.
Shortly after writing this post, Pursuit 31 was birthed in my heart. Today, nearly 2,500 women are involved in this ministry and my heart is that EVERY one of them hits their mark.
If any of the above words sound like you… I beg you… Come away with us. Get filled up. Get recharged. Be around people in the same boat as you who can lift you up.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
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