Worth it

It’s been one of those weekends…. one of those weekends where I don’t even remember how I got dressed in the morning, if I really remembered to brush my teeth and if the puppy got fed.  Our oldest child turned seven on Friday and it was the planned out party of the year.  The one she has quite literally been talking about and planning since last fall.   The kind of party that would make strawberry shortcake herself a wee bit jealous.   Ava had it all planned out… and I think that’s one of the things I have grown to love so much about her.  She’s a detail girl.  Just like her Mama.  The guest list was perfected and checked multiple times.  We had Pinterest planning parties and she had pinned every idea that she loved.  I can still feel her snuggled up next to me and my laptop picking out Rice Krispy cakes, tutu filled gift bags, and ice cream cone cake pops…a perfectly pink tea party… she was so excited planning this out.  And my Mommy heart was full.  She’s a planner….and a hostess….and kind of a Diva… just like me… and I  LOOOOOOVVVE IT!

Then comes Friday…. her BIRTHDAY…. the day we’d been waiting and planning for for Months… I had stayed up til midnight dipping cake pops and planning out an attack on the day after I dropped the kids off at school….  I had to run by the bakery and order macaroons, stop at Michaels to see if they had cute little paper straws ( which they didn’t ), go to the market and pick out perfect little girl tea food, clean the entire house, Wash all of our china, prepare for overnight guests, check in with her little friends Mom’s to see if they in fact COULD make it, finalize registration for our son’s tee ball team, iron his tee ball patch to his jersey, prepare for an inspection by Simmon’s warranty dept, make chalk board signs… and oh!!! A cake! I need one of those! Actually since family is coming on Sunday I need 2!!!…and OH. MY. GOSH we haven’t bought her a present!   Let’s add getting a perfect seven year old birthday gift to the list!  Every time I turned around something was being added to the list and quite frankly not much was getting crossed off.  I sorta went into Mommy meltdown panic….

What if I don’t get it all done?

What if I can’t find the right present?

What if I forget something major?

What if……

What if I let her down?

I know in my mind that I’m not perfect.  I know in my mind that I have let her down countless times before and will countless more.  But my heart hasn’t quite wrapped around it yet.  I just want to succeed at being a Mom.  I just want her to look back on her childhood and be happy.  I want her to feel blessed.  I want to give her the tools to be a strong confident adult.  And above all, I want her to know that she is loved, that she is cherished, that she…. is worth it.

Slowly I began to collect myself.  I kept plugging away and by the time I picked her up from school most of it was done.  I called in reinforcements and my Mom came over to help me bring it all to completion.  We spent the evening folding napkins and chatting while setting up this princess wonderland.  I’m still smiling thinking about it.  Having her here to share in these moments and be such a part of raising my own daughter is such a gift.   It reminded me of the great lengths that she went to to make my dreams come true.  I would always tell her to sit down, don’t worry so much about me. I didn’t understand how she could stay up until 2 am sewing my prom dress or making snacks for me and my friends…. but I do now.  She understood something it took me 25 years to understand.  All of the work, all of the cooking, all of the cleaning, all of the late night sewing projects are just part of being a Mom.  They are all the everyday simple nothings that fill up our whole life.  They are the memories in the making.  The are worth it.

Later that night when I could barely see straight I was so tired….. I was stressed about the money that birthdays drain out of you….. My fingers were stained from the massive amount of cake pop making… My feet hurt…..My back hurt… I was starting to dream of my bed in ways I hadn’t in a long time…  I was exhausted.   And admittedly, a wee bit cranky.  I walked in to kiss Ava on the head before I went to bed.  I fully expected her to be sleeping since it was SOOOO late.   But I walked in and saw her sparkling eyes poking out from the blanket she had pulled up by her face.  When she saw me she popped up with the biggest beaming smile I had ever seen on her.   “MOMMY! The decorations look beautiful.  Tomorrow is going to be the best day of my entire life!”

My heart melted and I couldn’t help but tear up a little.  She’s so big.  Such a little lady now.  And even though I remember all of the work… all of the sore feet and stress, she doesn’t.  She just remembers waking up to her perfect Princess Tea, and knowing that Mommy did it all just to see her smile.

It was all worth it.

 

 

 

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed in my own world I forget to see life through theirs.  So simple.  So pure.  I feel like this weekend was a turning point in my heart.  I know in my heart I will let her down.  But I also know that this time I have them in my house is short.  And if I start paying attention to the little things that are important to her instead of always doing what I want, those moments will outshine my downfalls.  I know that in ten years I am going to be begging the clock to go backwards.  That I won’t care about all of the work or all of the ways I was “inconvenienced” …. All that will matter is the memories.  The moments I made them smile.   So today I have decided to let go of my ideals.  The things I think are perfect.  The way “I” want to run my day, and start listening to what isn’t always said.  Like getting off my phone and going on a bike ride just because I know that’s what would bless them.  Read them a book instead of letting them watch TV alone…. Visit them at school for lunch during a busy workday.  I’m starting to realize that taking little moments to do things for them…. on purpose… when I’m super busy…when it’s not easy…

will always end up Worth It.

 

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